my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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