You made me cry and you don't even care
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
