I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
