You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
As shirtless as possible
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
