also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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