No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
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and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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