she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
