I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
