Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
