I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
