since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
