i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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