it hurts more in the daytime
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
