I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
