I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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