i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
