Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
