do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
