So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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