Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
