I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
