i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
