It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
