So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
two words: eviction party
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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