Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
