matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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