saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
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I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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