it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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