I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When did angry sex become our thing?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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