I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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