hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize