then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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