Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
