dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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