I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
