Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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