I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
