Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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