Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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