I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
