I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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