he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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