Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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