Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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