I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
