The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
