I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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