I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
