it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
