he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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