Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
