Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
