there's paper in my vomit.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
