like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
