My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
