Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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