I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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