I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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