that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
