I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
