sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
