I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
