You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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