Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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